When I decided to switch up my previous blog URL — juelamendoza.com, which I clearly put a lot of thought into — it didn’t take me long to decide on its successor. Not for the first time, “For M” by Mikko Harvey had been taking up a lot of space in my mind. This is a poem near and dear to my heart — it always seems to crop up, guided by the same omniscient forces, when I need to say goodbye. Naturally, this made me reflect on the fact that I say goodbye so damn often. It’s like I live in a state of constant departure. I’m a Filipino immigrant in America, and a young woman at that, so it feels like I’m always saying goodbye to a revolving door of people, places, and previous versions of myself. I’m like Nora from Past Lives, defined by the quote from that film that always drives me to tears: “I like you because you’re you, and who you are is a person who leaves.” That’s me, loath as I am to admit it. My growth looks a lot like abandonment.

But writing, as I’ve come to look at it, is an exercise in looking over your shoulder. It’s singular in the way that it can reverse the permanence of a farewell. I can decode histories, haunt narratives, and keep detailed accounts — in other words, I can linger in doorways instead of simply walking through. It’s a tether to everything I have ever loved and experienced, which is what this blog, at its core, is about.

<——